how I wish I had the faith my mother has

25 Feb

I sit here in my studio on Tuesday afternoon, 36 hours of no sleep and contemplating my future. Plan A failed I was not accepted to the next elimination round of teach for america. I wonder how many of us there are who were rejected? I’m not bitter, well maybe a little, I’ll get over it though. I have bigger and better options to look forward too and other teaching opportunities to find.

When I told my mom she was disappointed, well I was too, she told me to pray about other options. Pray. This is something I have not done in 5 years plus probably. It seems to me, as she gets older her faith that god will provide grows, and as I get older my faith continually fails me. I don’t know where I stand on this idea of an all powerful being. I was raised christian, I accepted Christ when I was 14(?) and now I am 22, worldly and lost in thought on the whole god issue. I can’t reject my upbringing, the morals and values that where instilled, but at the same time these values go with being a good person and being a cooperative member of society. 

I know I have been fortunate. I have been given opportunities that others have not and I question were those opportunities given to me through divine providence or because I earned them. I know my life has a path. Is it one laid out for me like the bible says or it is lady fortuna blessing me? 

I feel something, I feel it every time I listen to joyful music, and I feel it every time I see an amazing piece of art. I feel it every time I walk into some thing considered scared. A peaceful quiet.  But what is it? Is it god calling me? even though he knows I will fail, again and again and again? It has been a long time since I have felt a solid connection to god, let alone like anyone was listening when I prayed. 

So I don’t know……I am 22, and lost, scared to death of what awaits me.


2 Responses to “how I wish I had the faith my mother has”

  1. mommylong February 25, 2009 at 6:33 am #

    Every so often I tag surf here, and am touched or challanged by what others are writing about. Rarely do I stop and leave a comment, but some things you said resonated so deeply I felt compelled to send a little note. I am not a perfect “Christian” by any stretch of the imagination, and have spent many years struggling with the thought that I just wasn’t ‘good enough’ for God to bother with. It’s a work in progress, but I’m beginning to see how God’s love is so much more than I could ever comprehend, more encompassing, more complete, just… more. This is part of my journal entry from yesterday:
    “In the past, if I’ve prayed for Christ to fill me or give me hope, I’ve expected it RIGHT THEN, at that moment. If I didn’t feel His presence immediately I would think He hadn’t heard (and since I know He CAN hear, He must just not want to bother with me, right?) There was no trust – on my part- that He would keep His promise to never forsake me or leave me. There was no waiting to see how He would answer my prayer throughout the day, no patience for His timing.”
    Please don’t give up on Him, He will never give up on you. 2Tim2:13 says “If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself.”
    Blessings, Melanie

  2. Mike March 3, 2009 at 1:36 am #

    Just passing by.Btw, you website have great content!

    Don’t pay for your electricity any longer…
    Instead, the power company will pay YOU!

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