I should have…

8 Feb

Tonight came the surprise i was not expecting, my mom called me at 9pm, 10pm her time and instantly i knew something was up, what i didnt know, i guessed in my mind she was calling to tell me she was in the hospitial again or that andrew had gotten into some trouble but what she told me was something i never saw coming, My grandma was in home hospice, that she was not doing well, that her right side was immobile and left not much better. that she could barely form sentances, all this hit me like a ton of bricks, i was paralyzed with shock and utter sadness, kicking myself for not calling more, for not visiting, for not doing alot of things, especially when they live less than 20 minutes away. I dont know what to do right now, really all I want to do drive north to my grandparents house and curl up with her in her bed like she and I did when I was little.
And all I can think about right now is the smell of my grandparents house and the wirr of her sewing machines, the times when we made chocochip oatmeal cookies, her special reciepe, which now no matter how hard I try I can never replicate.
I hurt knowing my kids will possibly never know my grandma, their greatgrandmother.
my mom and brother are flying out next thursday, but I dont know if I can wait that long for the comforting arms of my mom that i really want right now.

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